divorce proceedings

an email from uni today reminds me of the tasks i was meant to complete. i'm given a date. the said tasks are to meet the satisfaction of my supervisors. i doubt this is possible, so i won't try. my stomach is knotted. i feel shut down by such emails and their formal requests which contain subtle threats of eviction. and yes, there will be failure. i'm buying time, i already know this. but still, such words trigger that part of me that doesn't want to fail, even if it's for the best. and hence this tension, this stasis that sees me unable to process my next move. 12 days to go.

i should be grateful they waited until february. all i know is that i can't be in the same room as them. yes, it has come to this. once again i embody the naughty child. or the rebellious teen who just wants to say 'fuck you'. and there i am on campus, avoiding people and offices. because i'm angry, tense, scared, and extremely bitter.

i'm guilty before the trial begins.

things were better when i forgot that i was a student.

at least i got paid for the experience, and continue to do so (for now). i'm a bad investment. or a mis-managed one. either way, they lose too, which is nice. and in the next few weeks, each occasion in which i spend (their) money will contain a gentle, angry whisper of 'fuck you'. because now that i'm a grown up i have to disguise (and purchase) my rebellion.

maybe i'll stay home today and read camus.