Tuesday, June 15, 2010

always reading, never writing

last night you took me to the closing night of the film festival. it was nice to be part of its ending, since it consumed so many of my days. our days. and so often we sat together and grimaced at the noisy people behind us. at the halfway mark i stopped leaning into you, and stopped rubbing your leg, because you called it as friendship. i was glad you did this, because i didn't know how to read it. you said it was sad and i agreed.

last night i drank too much red wine and i wanted you. but i hid these feelings. because maybe it was just the red wine. then you gave 3 kisses at the bus stop. my mouth, my neck, and you blew one as i moved away. or did i imagine that? and it was an uncertain ride home. sadness, again, and i was unable to reconcile what this meant, how i felt, where we were at just now.

this morning, on another bus, i thought of you. i thought of that morning when i walked out of your bathroom and you were slowly and coyly dancing to johnny cash in your underwear. at that point, this morning, i really did want you.

hounds of love, kate bush. this song is you, right? though maybe it's me too. and maybe it can be applied to everyone who's ever feared their own desires (ie. everyone). but maybe i'm still in a red wine haze and reading too much into things.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

digital divide

digits are fingers. they are also numbers. i guess it's the same word because we count with our fingers. but we do many things with fingers. we touch things and make things and grab onto things to make a hasty escape from numbers. or maybe that's just me.

i want digital to mean 'of the fingers' but mostly i use it to speak 'of the computer' or other equipment that operates via batteries and electricity. i'm not a fan of that digital. i like fingers. give me a knitting needle over a mouse any day.

of course fingers use digital technology too. but as i type, i forget my fingers. i'm not looking at them, what they touch, or how they move.

today i've been trying to get a sound file off a digital recorder. to no avail. i've looked at instructions (despite my instructional illiteracy) and i've watched youtube instructional videos. it seems you just plug it in and it works. but it doesn't. silence. nothing. and nowhere to go from there.

i once had a washing machine that used to break down. i could fix it. i once drove a 1978 torana whose gear shaft would get stuck in reverse. i could fix it. a screwdriver, a spanner, some banging of metal, and off i drove. i didn't feel particularly skilled. these were simple tools, simple rules, a matter of putting things back in their place. things that could be seen, felt, and hit. it was dirty work that blackened my fingers but there was a satisfaction in fixing. these were not skills i wanted to learn, but had to learn. if i had money i would probably not have taken them up. but i didn't. and so i did. and i grew accustomed to the joys of fixing things in my life. personal items that kept my life functioning as it did.

but now, today, things break and i have to phone somebody. i phone the landlord who phones the plumber who phones me and then i phone my housemate and this goes on for a while until the problem is fixed. phew. but the problem is beyond my reach. there's no spanner in my hand.

and so with my broken hard drive. there's a man who plugs it in, and listens, and says the head is broken. it's a delicate salvage operation in a dust-free room that will cost $500-600. i can't be there, of course. there's no spanner. once again, i'm dislocated from the things i break. i'm made stupid by the modern art of fixing.

i like to fix things. writing is about fixing. editing, changing, adapting, making something from words. and sometimes it feels like a car stalled in peak hour traffic. but i hammer away until i can get moving once more. i own it. there's a sense of control and achievement. a great sense of achievement when things work. and this is more satisfying than a wage (i would never work as a fixer of things). it's completely non-monetary. $500-600 can't buy me the words i need. generating some necessary skills can though.

this might go some way into explaining why i really wanted to throw this digital recorder against the wall just now.