yesterday was restless and resentful. after reading about the sad state of universities, i once again wondered why i still want to be part of the machine. once again, i look around for something that suits me better, but i see nothing that will pay me a wage. and so maybe i have to be in the machine, and stay satisfied through a commitment to its disruption.
this morning i wonder about the possibilities of being 'wild' in a system that expects compliance and productivity. Certeau says:
"the name 'wild' both creates and defines what the scriptural economy situates outside of itself. It is moreover immediately given its essential predicate; the wild is transitory; it marks itself (by smudges, lapses, etc.) but it does not write itself. It alters a place (it disturbs), but it does not establish a place" (Practice of Everyday Life, p155).
by 'the scriptural economy' certeau refers to a world that likes to order and classify (through science, history-making, research, etc.) by a process of transcription. all knowledge must be scriptural (despite the fact that transcription alters voices, bodies, and lived practices). transcription both tames what is considered wild, but also names things 'wild' so as to distance these from the person/organisation who holds the pen. but... at the same time, that which is wild continues to obfuscate, disrupt, and challenge such systems. 'wildness' cannot be extracted from society, because it does not inhabit a proper place. by never establishing a place (a system of its own), 'wildness' continues to flourish and disrupt, to mark and smudge the institutions that seek to diminish it, or the language that seeks to contain it (by pinning it down and writing it away). but it can never do this, because 'wildness' operates beyond a scriptural economy. thus, there's a continual opening for untamed, wild practices, and a continued ability to fuck with systems.
i've been listening to shakespears sister lately, and suddenly it makes more sense. just like this video.
i guess, when faced with challenges in the world of academia, i just need to ask myself 'what would catwoman do?'
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
returning again
i'm adjusting to the time and space of what i call home. the best thing ever is my bed. (i'm laying on it now). it's here that i slept for about 13 hours last night. the best sleep ever. a sleeping pill assisted, but still... best sleep ever.
strange to have all this familar space around me. rooms of furniture and crockery and shelves holding all this stuff which is often my stuff. stuff that i guess i don't need, because i spent time away from it and forgot that it existed. there's always too much stuff. and it always returns with a quick intensity. and in days from now i'll forget that this refamiliarising ever took place. i'll be distracted by less material things, like plans for a future and questions of 'what next?'. but today (and yesterday) is about the present moment. i don't feel guilty for doing nothing, which is also a great space to be. sadly, it won't last.
today D and i went to the market for a walk, a coffee, and a long talk under a big tree. we sit under a good climbing tree and before long kids are circling us, cutting between us, and climbing us to get into the tree. one kid asks for some help in getting up and i say it's a big tree and he might fall. he says he's 5 so it's okay. i say i think you have to be 7 to climb this one. he ignores me, of course, and climbs it without my help.
i speak to D about 'time in Morocco' and how things aren't so scheduled or planned there. risk is of less importance. lives aren't so intensely focused on futures, and these are the things i envied and wanted. i want to live life on the streets, i want my self (my goals, my career, my image, my etc.) to be less important than the communities i'm part of. i want less restrictions caused by a very western notion of time. but of course, i don't want the poverty (and thus, the limited mobility) that goes with this. which makes me that annoying tourist who is fascinated by 'others', and by my inability to ever appropriate their ways. though i guess this is better than being repulsed by others.
at casablanca airport a woman with an australian passport is in the queue in front of me, heading into departures. an arabic couple re-join the queue next to her, and with the approval of others (they were there earlier, but had to go fill out departure cards), they go ahead of her. she protests loudly, and says it's not fair. she looks at me and says "typical. they're always pushing in, any chance they get. maybe if we vomit on them they'll know..." and i'm quite dumbfounded and cannot respond. i stare blankly. let's pretend i'm french and can't understand this woman. and i can't understand her. i can't understand what prompted these words. why vomit? and why is she here then, in an arabic country, if her hatred is this strong? i hide my passport. i don't want to share any similarity with her. i want the group of women behind me to take me into their world and protect me from her kind. i wanted them to adopt me before the crazy woman anyway, because the whole time i queued i felt the trickling of their soft laughter. i couldn't understand their words either, but their laughter offered comfort and assurance. when i'm alone in foreign countries, smiles and laughter make everything okay.
the second time i hate an 'australian' person is on my flight to sydney, when another middle-aged white woman complains to everyone around her about some noisy twins who are probably two and half years old. they sing/whine in a language that she or i can't understand. the repetition gets tedious at times, but they're cute, so this makes it bearable (like with kittens). the woman says to me and the woman in front of me "is the mother doing anything!?" i shrug and look away. again, i don't speak your language. i'm not sure i can keep using this tactic outside airports and airplanes, but it's probably worth a try.
D states the obvious today when he says that the more 'educated' we become, the more questions we have. we're talking about the election he just voted in, the racial politics of right-wing parties scapegoating others, and why this continues to win votes. he says that politicians don't appeal to the logic of those who question everything. we're also talking about my envy of mediterranean lifestyles that are less hinged upon time, risk, and the pursuit of individuality. of course, these differences are only obvious to me through my 'educated' worldview, and it's this very worldview that places a rift between the life i have and the life i want. as always, my knowledge fractures my possibilities.
strange to have all this familar space around me. rooms of furniture and crockery and shelves holding all this stuff which is often my stuff. stuff that i guess i don't need, because i spent time away from it and forgot that it existed. there's always too much stuff. and it always returns with a quick intensity. and in days from now i'll forget that this refamiliarising ever took place. i'll be distracted by less material things, like plans for a future and questions of 'what next?'. but today (and yesterday) is about the present moment. i don't feel guilty for doing nothing, which is also a great space to be. sadly, it won't last.
today D and i went to the market for a walk, a coffee, and a long talk under a big tree. we sit under a good climbing tree and before long kids are circling us, cutting between us, and climbing us to get into the tree. one kid asks for some help in getting up and i say it's a big tree and he might fall. he says he's 5 so it's okay. i say i think you have to be 7 to climb this one. he ignores me, of course, and climbs it without my help.
i speak to D about 'time in Morocco' and how things aren't so scheduled or planned there. risk is of less importance. lives aren't so intensely focused on futures, and these are the things i envied and wanted. i want to live life on the streets, i want my self (my goals, my career, my image, my etc.) to be less important than the communities i'm part of. i want less restrictions caused by a very western notion of time. but of course, i don't want the poverty (and thus, the limited mobility) that goes with this. which makes me that annoying tourist who is fascinated by 'others', and by my inability to ever appropriate their ways. though i guess this is better than being repulsed by others.
at casablanca airport a woman with an australian passport is in the queue in front of me, heading into departures. an arabic couple re-join the queue next to her, and with the approval of others (they were there earlier, but had to go fill out departure cards), they go ahead of her. she protests loudly, and says it's not fair. she looks at me and says "typical. they're always pushing in, any chance they get. maybe if we vomit on them they'll know..." and i'm quite dumbfounded and cannot respond. i stare blankly. let's pretend i'm french and can't understand this woman. and i can't understand her. i can't understand what prompted these words. why vomit? and why is she here then, in an arabic country, if her hatred is this strong? i hide my passport. i don't want to share any similarity with her. i want the group of women behind me to take me into their world and protect me from her kind. i wanted them to adopt me before the crazy woman anyway, because the whole time i queued i felt the trickling of their soft laughter. i couldn't understand their words either, but their laughter offered comfort and assurance. when i'm alone in foreign countries, smiles and laughter make everything okay.
the second time i hate an 'australian' person is on my flight to sydney, when another middle-aged white woman complains to everyone around her about some noisy twins who are probably two and half years old. they sing/whine in a language that she or i can't understand. the repetition gets tedious at times, but they're cute, so this makes it bearable (like with kittens). the woman says to me and the woman in front of me "is the mother doing anything!?" i shrug and look away. again, i don't speak your language. i'm not sure i can keep using this tactic outside airports and airplanes, but it's probably worth a try.
D states the obvious today when he says that the more 'educated' we become, the more questions we have. we're talking about the election he just voted in, the racial politics of right-wing parties scapegoating others, and why this continues to win votes. he says that politicians don't appeal to the logic of those who question everything. we're also talking about my envy of mediterranean lifestyles that are less hinged upon time, risk, and the pursuit of individuality. of course, these differences are only obvious to me through my 'educated' worldview, and it's this very worldview that places a rift between the life i have and the life i want. as always, my knowledge fractures my possibilities.
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