Wednesday, November 24, 2010

itineraries and photocopiers

i have a lot to do. it's boring how much i have to do.

i printed out my flight bookings for the next 2 months. many, but most are local. so many making-the-flight panics to look forward to. mostly i look forward to the flight that lands me at Charles de Gaulle. it's not so far away now.

i just met the new boy at the photocopier. i spied him a couple of weeks ago. so pretty. and today he smiled and said "i don't think we've met". nice accent, beautiful smile, lovely skin tone, and he puts his warm hand in mine. i had a teenage moment of almost skipping down the hallway. too bad i'm about to leave.

back to work...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

rolling with the punches

annual review is over. but still some work to do before being a 'satisfactory' student. i need a research question (oops, how did that one slip by?) and i need evidence that i'm applying this. it can be done.

the panel were lovely and made a point to highlight my achievement in continuing despite the difficult patch. they offered solutions to problems, and clear outsider perspectives to what's missing in the project. i was reminded that this doesn't have to be perfect, that this is a difficult task, that the main goal is to 'get the qualification'. i wrote down many points for consideration. but supervisors said nothing to raise my pen. they echoed already written concerns with brutality and gusto. but i've come to expect this now. and i wasn't as in awe as last time. though i did wait in hope that they would say something positive. and i waited...

but these punches i must roll with, as in, i must accept them graciously and use them to propel myself further into my project. but i can also use them to propel myself further away from becoming that type of academic. they are not my friends. with them, i can only ever be professional. i can't make jokes, i can't be scared, i can't lift my armour for them to scratch me. this is horrible, yes, but it's also useful. because i know i don't need them as entirely as i once thought i did. that is, i don't need their love. and maybe i can utilise their punishment for other means. it might make me work harder. it might also help me (projecting beyond this stage) develop an academic trajectory that navigates away from brutality. and to a practice not committed to performing a role, but a text. my writing is my project. the machine that gives me the paper on which to write is of minor importance.

maybe i'm stupid to think that academia is a supportive environment where research and ideas are shared goals through which we might relate to and support each other. maybe i'm stupid for neglecting to see the politics of job insecurity, career trajectories, time limitations, and other unrelenting pressures within the individualising, corporate, university machine. i'm not so stupid now. just a little slow, in my armour.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

the pinch of time

today i'm feeling the pinch of time. i look over my shoulder to see a looming depreciation of days. i've one month of 'production' left for this year. i hate that it stresses me, i think it should not, and i turn away, rebel, and find refuge elsewhere. yesterday was a day off. i justified this (to myself) on account of working through the weekend. i spent the day with that boy.

(breakfast, sex, lunch, film, walk, gelato, dinner, goodbye) so many hours of us.

around the time the sky darkened i felt pinched again; aware of lost time. already, there is too little time. (use time better. manage it. you're making things impossible. grow up. you're gonna fail.) already, there is too little time. dates are allocated for meetings, conferences, papers, flights. i'm not approaching such events, rather, they're approaching me. everytime i turn around they're closer. statues of wolves like in that kid's game.

and i guess i feel i lack control as well, and so my failure is only a matter of time (catching me). but somewhere, in some moments, i see that it's bullshit and that time need not be a trap. and maybe i can start to use time to control my own process a little more. maybe i can try to deny myself of time spent worrying?

i often worry about the times where i'm distracted from the phd. but maybe the phd itself is the distraction. it certainly makes life less manageable. i mean, why am i now kind of seeing somebody? and why am i leaving the country? sans phd, i'm sure the answers would be more obvious to me.