rolling with the punches

annual review is over. but still some work to do before being a 'satisfactory' student. i need a research question (oops, how did that one slip by?) and i need evidence that i'm applying this. it can be done.

the panel were lovely and made a point to highlight my achievement in continuing despite the difficult patch. they offered solutions to problems, and clear outsider perspectives to what's missing in the project. i was reminded that this doesn't have to be perfect, that this is a difficult task, that the main goal is to 'get the qualification'. i wrote down many points for consideration. but supervisors said nothing to raise my pen. they echoed already written concerns with brutality and gusto. but i've come to expect this now. and i wasn't as in awe as last time. though i did wait in hope that they would say something positive. and i waited...

but these punches i must roll with, as in, i must accept them graciously and use them to propel myself further into my project. but i can also use them to propel myself further away from becoming that type of academic. they are not my friends. with them, i can only ever be professional. i can't make jokes, i can't be scared, i can't lift my armour for them to scratch me. this is horrible, yes, but it's also useful. because i know i don't need them as entirely as i once thought i did. that is, i don't need their love. and maybe i can utilise their punishment for other means. it might make me work harder. it might also help me (projecting beyond this stage) develop an academic trajectory that navigates away from brutality. and to a practice not committed to performing a role, but a text. my writing is my project. the machine that gives me the paper on which to write is of minor importance.

maybe i'm stupid to think that academia is a supportive environment where research and ideas are shared goals through which we might relate to and support each other. maybe i'm stupid for neglecting to see the politics of job insecurity, career trajectories, time limitations, and other unrelenting pressures within the individualising, corporate, university machine. i'm not so stupid now. just a little slow, in my armour.