the pinch of time

today i'm feeling the pinch of time. i look over my shoulder to see a looming depreciation of days. i've one month of 'production' left for this year. i hate that it stresses me, i think it should not, and i turn away, rebel, and find refuge elsewhere. yesterday was a day off. i justified this (to myself) on account of working through the weekend. i spent the day with that boy.

(breakfast, sex, lunch, film, walk, gelato, dinner, goodbye) so many hours of us.

around the time the sky darkened i felt pinched again; aware of lost time. already, there is too little time. (use time better. manage it. you're making things impossible. grow up. you're gonna fail.) already, there is too little time. dates are allocated for meetings, conferences, papers, flights. i'm not approaching such events, rather, they're approaching me. everytime i turn around they're closer. statues of wolves like in that kid's game.

and i guess i feel i lack control as well, and so my failure is only a matter of time (catching me). but somewhere, in some moments, i see that it's bullshit and that time need not be a trap. and maybe i can start to use time to control my own process a little more. maybe i can try to deny myself of time spent worrying?

i often worry about the times where i'm distracted from the phd. but maybe the phd itself is the distraction. it certainly makes life less manageable. i mean, why am i now kind of seeing somebody? and why am i leaving the country? sans phd, i'm sure the answers would be more obvious to me.