another monday gone

there was a man installing benches in the kitchen. there's a cat asleep on the bed. the window next to my desk breathes cooler air today. it's late afternoon and i feel that today i was unproductive. though jessie and i emptied cupboards and readied the kitchen. though we talked about a project we can do in april. though i went and bought groceries. though i sent a few emails. though i confirmed a meeting about a job... i still feel like i haven't done enough.

there's a pile of books next to me to read - fuel for our project. but it's getting late and soon i have to go to petersham.

yesterday i had a coffee date. he messaged to say he'd be five minutes late. he didn't turn up. at one point there was a guy that looked like he was approaching me and then turned and walked away. he didn't look like i expected (he had facial hair unlike the photos i'd seen), but i'm never much good at recognising faces until they're up close. waiting, i keep checking my phone/clock, and i imagine (in the space of another 20 minutes of standing and waiting) a host of scenarios where that man was him. maybe he knew me from something else, maybe he got scared, maybe we have mutual friends, maybe he found me too hideous... but i shall never know because he didn't answer my messages or calls. i walked home, pissed off that i'd given this time to waiting, and to dreaming up stupid scenarios of rejection. and it really doesn't matter, yet it took some time for me to realise this. i kept saying "but this has never happened to me before".

later in the afternoon i'm swimming with essy at victoria park. after each lap we have small chats. in fragmented discussion we share small observations about the pool and its people. i like this combination of swimming and talking. my usual swimming is an indoor, silent, solitary affair. this is pleasant. as is the changing weather and the rain that falls on us.

then i walk home, assaulted by wind so lovely. i walk into it with my hair and clothing stretched and flapping behind me. i'm very much awake. i awoke from a dream of a week of intense heat. i guess i can only appreciate this wind because of last week's assault of humidity, sun, sweat, lethargy. and so maybe that discomfort was a good thing.

i buy potatoes. i cook dinner for my family.