it's an odd evening. i'm home alone, eating snacks and cooking dinnner. trying to use up as many perishables as i can since i won't be here for 6 days. i know that these things shouldn't stress me, but inevitably they do. my upbringing makes me feel bad when i waste. throwing food out is evil.
anyway, i'm cooking and eating and working on the kitchen table. working tonight, so there's less to do tomorrow. and still so much to do. and it also stresses me out.
i have some wine, and that makes me less anxious. instead, i fall into the music that jacques (the ipod) plays for me. it's mostly very good. and it makes me want to be around people. i want to talk about this suede song with my britpop buddy. i want to dance at thorn st. i want to reminisce and sing.
after eating all i can, and scrawling on many pages (bigger, curlier writing now after 2 glasses of wine), i'm thinking it's time for bed. i'm washing up, packing up, and i think of paris. and i get scared. 6 weeks suddenly feels like a long time to be away from all this, from friends, from my current daily rituals. what if i don't like it? what if i get really sad and lonely?
and then jacques plays 'lonely in paris' by gloss. no joke. it spins me out. and it makes me more anxious. maybe i should leave jacques behind. right now, he is not my friend.
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