desiring un-desire

and then i go on this date. breakfast in newtown. with the man i wish had a different name to my ex. but what can you do? and i felt something, but i'm not sure what. and i'm not sure why it worries me. and i guess it relates to that last post, to hocquenghem, to the fear of being dragged under. maybe i'm like D and am just one of those people who fall quickly and often. he's sharp, lovely, pretty, sincere. what's not to fall for?

and just now, after teaching, being tired and somewhat fragile, i message him. his response is slow, but arrives. where there might be anticipation for the response, there is fear. i read rejection before it happens. i preempt. i cut myself off to prevent later damage. but it's damage nonetheless. only it's a damage that i control. it's fucking ridiculous and i'd like to just shut my eyes and fall forward.

i'm trying to shake the feeling that i should stop putting myself in these situations. that i should train myself away from desire. but that's difficult when i only find solace in the desiring text. i turn to barthes, woolf, hocquenghem, nin, genet, and others. they push me back into the flames. but i seem to like it like that.