it's dark, late, very late, and i'm here. can't sleep.
things are a bit scrambled. another blow to my confidence came with a supervisor email on a sunday afternoon. and then another. and i'm left wondering if i should run and hide or pick myself up and get ready for the next blow. two years in and the blows are harder and more frequent. am i that bad? am i that difficult to work with? how do i not take this personally? how do they not expect me to take it personally? what the fuck is happening here? i would like to enjoy my life. this is really fucked.
and maybe i do it to myself. and maybe i make it harder than it should be. and maybe i deserve it all because i'm just not that good.
i need to get beyond this.
but at this point it's like i'm having to decide between two paths, none of which i want to take. the first will see me fighting and dodging and weaving and clamouring to the finish post. at which point i can't be guaranteed that i'll be standing upright. i'll have made it, but i'll probably be bitter and angry and scarred. maybe i'll be so miserable that all the good things in my life will dissolve.
the second path is called retreat and involves a white flag. it's me, walking away, failed. it's me trying to find a real job or something that i can tolerate doing that doesn't destroy me in other ways.
but maybe there's a third way, a new path. in talking through some of this today it started to look possible. i guess i just need a few days of dusting myself off.
it's horrible finding yourself looking back and regretting most decisions that you ever made, reaching the conclusion that you're not who/where/how you think you should be right now. today was one of those days.
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