nothing

awake at 4am for the second day running.

i've been lying in bed trying to shut my mind down, but thinking about all manner of trivial things. like my to-do list. fretting about getting organised before we head south for xmas. yet, there's little to organise. my life is not complicated right now.

drunk and drugged people are walking the streets, shouting to each other. cars are accelerating heavily. there's too much noise and it bothers me.

is it something i ate? is it my lethargic days of achieving little? is it the weather? these thoughts plague me and make sleep even more difficult. eventually i get up, go downstairs, write here.

things are strange for me right now. haven't been inclined to study much, or do much of anything. for the six weeks i was away my days were full and my eyelids were heavy by the time it reached night. then i was busy with study deadlines. now it's disconcertingly calm. there's nothing to busy myself with. well there is, but i have to make it happen. i can't just step outside and fall into something. there is no pressure of a deadline. so i float about in frustration. days of nothing. or what seems like nothing.

i feel guilty for doing nothing. yet uninspired to fix this.