i just deleted facebook. it's been on the cards for a while, and today is a fitting time to pull the plug. many people have heard about the hatred i feel for that site. but i guess i was reluctant to quit because it afforded me much time to play, and some sense of support. but right now i don't want to play. i need to disconnect from any space in which i feel compelled to perform a certain kind of self that needs approval and response. because today i'm different. today i don't care. today i can offer no consistency, no comment, and no desire to be 'liked'. i'm frightened by the idea of witty banter. give me depth. give me privacy.
give me a bed, a room, a hug, a cup of tea, and gentle words.
right now i'm experiencing a loss; something akin to grief. in such times i can't tolerate much of anything that isn't listed above. after a few days absence i checked facebook this morning only to be angered by overt (but unsurprising) performances of 'being wonderful'. i deactivate. problem solved.
i still have a fog of sadness, but that's kind of nice. i guess i don't want to have to feel like it should be any other way.
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