brazos delgados

scenes from a weekend.

friday night: i'm at a pub for D's birthday. i went alone. at one point D (somewhat drunk) says 'come and meet my sister' while attempting to take my hand. my fingers stiffen and do not accept his hand. during the evening his friends suss me out and ask me to define my relationship with D. i can't tell them that we fucked a few times and then he went cold on me, yet he sometimes flirts with me and makes me want to kiss him.

saturday morning: i'm sitting outside, amongst plants, speaking to J on the phone. the cat sits on me and i tell J that this is unusual. he says she often sat on him. i suggest that she feels his presence and is attempting to get close. i stroke her fur while we talk about ways that our paths might cross.

saturday afternoon: upstairs at the café he waves his arms around. two skinny men who speak a similar language. we talk academia, teaching, our politics and struggles. it's a nice moment in my day. we are knitting a bond with our words and gestures. we part on glebe point road, my hands in pockets.

saturday early evening: we meet at zanzibar, but i'm not sure why he suggested here. C is visiting from melbourne. i want to hug and kiss hello, but there's too many straight men watching too much football on the tv. we move to another table and here we embrace. we talk about men. in discussing my pseudo boyfriend i ask for advice.

saturday night: my pseudo bf meets us at the pub and he's awkward. we're awkward. we leave C and make our way to his friend's party. we eat pies, we buy wine in erskinville, we piss through the wire fence by the train line. the party is small and i'm surprised to know someone - a young man whom i spent most of the night with, chatting about pop music. on the way home, pseudo bf says he was a bit jealous. i'm drunk and so is he. it's cold but i don't feel it. we hold hands but i don't feel it. he says he's not sure how much i like him. i can't remember my response. perhaps i just closed my eyes and dreamed of reno, nevada.

friday night, saturday, and sunday: i chat to a young man from reno (via mexico). we talk about his skinny arms. he wants to fix them at the gym, but i like his arms. i also like his humour, which is like mine. we give ourselves to one another in written words. we pour each other into gaps that we carve into our lives. he tells me about the empty space in his bed where i'm welcome to sleep. words flow, and i want him more and more. he's too young, too far away, and too beautiful, but i can't stop wanting him.

in today's spanish lesson he teaches me 'pon tus brazos delgados alrededor de mí'.