retreat

i think this is stress. this is not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to engage.

this is wanting to spend a day alone, reading, tidying, contemplating, being.

at uni now, but i'm at my library desk. it's a 'work' day, but i'm considering not going to work. wondering how long it'll be before i get a text message asking if i'm coming in today. feeling under pressure. and so i retreat. to this desk, to this blog.

and everything presents itself as a barrier. last night we lost our electricity. just our building, not the neighbourhood. it's nothing serious, i know this, but i feel that it's another hurdle to deal with. like work, and Paris, and everything.

perhaps my phd supervisor will want to speak to me today, to go over the chapter outline. but i don't want to engage with her either. maybe i'll feel like crying, like on tuesday, when Paris was talking about quantitative research methodologies and i could not comprehend anything. a foreign language that made me feel stupid, made me question why i'm doing this work and whether i'm at all capable. is it only because he wants to fuck me? i feel so stupid.

so i want to concentrate on my phd, where i feel less stupid. i want to put myself back where i'm comfortable. but there's no time.

except maybe there is. maybe i can do some writing now to feel like a student again. to feel somewhat competent and capable. to remind myself that all is okay.