i didn't go to work today. but the guilt didn't last long. i started to read deleuze (on foucault). i think i'm becoming a deleuzian. or a deleuzian kristevan. or maybe my allegiance need not be defined in such a way. maybe i'm just a fan with multiple allegiances.
my blog hiatus was a result of multiple changes and re-thinkings.
one concern involves my availability of self to others - in the sense that i'm uncertain i want to be available through my fleeting words placed into zines and blogs. i've read things about myself that seem odd. i don't know how to feel. the easiest option is to retreat and become 'private'. not that i have such a public presence. but when i re-read my words of 10 years ago in something published yesterday, it's uncomfortable. those words were not meant for now. the tension that enabled them is no longer with me. i'm not that person. and that person has my name. my full name there on the page. i'm reduced to a person knowable through texts that i thought were long gone, discarded, the product of another world.
time to run. more later.
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