being blah

i'm having one of those mini meltdowns. when it's all too hard to orchestrate.
the couch is being delivered today. i don't know when. i may not be here. i may not have anyone to help me lift it up the stairs. i don't have a phone number to call the delivery people.
i have to go to work.
i feel as though i need to study. in fact, i told A i'd have something to send her by today.
i have to find the course coordinator who potentially has tutorial work for me. she's vague and won't call me, always says she's busy, makes it my job to find her. i'm starting to hate her already.
i have to get to newcastle. it's so far away.
i'd like to swim. in fact, i need to swim. i felt so good early in the week - was it about the swimming, or all the studying i did? probably both.
my hard-drive appears not to be working. i have no idea why.
maybe the couch can wait til monday.

i've spent a few nights alone in the house, feeling a bit down and friendless - undoubtably resulting in my current state. i know i have friends, but too much time alone can make me question this. though i need alone-time too, so the opposite scenario (a busy schedule) stresses me out as well. people are busy, schedules don't match up, and here i am, feeling the dreaded pinch of solitude (as opposed to the glorious embrace of solitude). though there's some of that mixed in there too.

and at these moments i self-blame - why haven't i done a better job of maintaining friendships? why did i arrive at this point, again? why can't i be a better friend, with better organisational skills and foresight?

it will pass.

newcastle will be good. time with mark and V and others will be good. a swim in salt water will refresh me.