all in my head

it's now less than 3 weeks to france. i'm not ready. less than 3 weeks to finish my job, to write a thesis proposal (one that deserves an upgrade to phd), and get myself sorted. i'm very unsorted.

i'm leaky and emotional. i have hayfever. liquid spills from nose and eyes. often on the verge of tears, but i don't know if they're real or not. like my fears.

i'm stressing about my research proposal. twice, a supervisor has indicated that things are perhaps not as bad as they are 'in my head'. what does this mean? am i delusional, depressed, neurotic? probably. but are these things not real? how does it help to know that things are in my head, as though outside any shared reality, and therefore situating me as somewhat unhinged from any position of knowing?

yesterday i went shopping for jeans and shoes (intact and comfortable, for france). i was sneezing, dizzy, blurry, drippy. and angry. i hate shopping. we were in the city, and for much of the time i wanted to punch things and/or people. but i did neither. i just persisted for as long as i could, and mark bore the brunt of my agitatation. i did warn him, but it wasn't fair, and i really should have shopped alone.

this morning we fought again. the look of his face, standing near the busstop, appealed to my paranoia that things are 'all in my head'. i'm being neurotic, stupid, irrational, emotive, etc. i can see this. but it doesn't help me to know this.

yet, i do think there is some basis for my feelings. my anger doesn't come from nowhere. this morning it was triggered by a conversation in my kitchen. mark was asked something on the basis of his 'profession', but admitted (not at the time, but to me later) that he knew little about the matter. neither of them did. i knew something of the topic though, and offered my understanding. but this was ignored. the discussion kept happening, and nothing i said was heard. admittedly, i didn't situate my knowledge by explaining my past experience in the matter. but that's not my style. most people i surround myself with tend to hear me, and i need not outline my position of authority before i speak. but perhaps it was necessary this morning. i was a ghost in the room.

why talk about things if you don't know what you're talking about? why ignore people if they don't assert things the way you do? i believe this is the style of a somewhat masculine engagement with things. the assertion of knowledge regardless of whether it's there or not. from my perspective (need i really say so?) this is what was happening. i was able to leave the room without anyone noticing. i was angered, without anyone realising. because there is no emotional space in such a conversation. it's just words upon words. and i become my mother, wiping the bench while the men talk business. getting upset, but with no discernable reason amongst other people present.

and then i have to deal with the 'fact' that as i'm the only one feeling this, it undoubtably is 'all in my head'. my head is the cause of the problem, so it's up to me to fix it, to get over it, to think straight. but perhaps the real lesson here is to understand that if i'm emotional, then i can't trust myself to know what's really going on. therefore, best to leave the capable people to speak. best to go on wiping the bench, reading my novels, dreaming of france...