four things; or the wanting comes in waves

today:
tamara is flying to europe. a quick goodbye and i feel sad. the end of an era. my on-campus existence has been sometimes horrid but i'm typically saved by our chats and silliness. her smiling face will no longer appear from over the partition. no more kitchen stories of our crushes, romantic failings, and sharehouse dilemmas. and when i break open a block of chocolate, nobody will appear with wide open eyes. i think i'll pack up my things and go by next month. i can't see this place getting better. i don't like it when people leave me. i guess i'm going to have to prep myself for more of this as the year goes on.

last night:
dinner for 6 and we were the only 2 boys. we were put next to each other, backs to the wall. we were being set up. shy at first, i barely looked at him. and when i did i thought "no. that's... no". some drinks later i was more chatty, and so was he. he seemed nervous, though maybe he's always that way. he didn't seem very confident, which is always a starting point for me. chin up, eye contact, these things are important. though maybe i wasn't displaying confidence either. dating is not something i feel very confident in right now. and there, amongst those people, shoulder to shoulder, we weren't in a good position for eye contact let alone conversation. we were being watched. he was nice. very sweet. seems to have some good taste in music. someone i could probably hang out with, but not somebody i could love. next.

this morning:
breakfast at Scrambled for the 2nd time in a week (so much for hating the place), this time with J. we hadn't organised a meet-up in this way before. generally we bump into each other. on the streets, on the internet, and once in regional NSW. so strange when you bump into one person constantly. it always happens to me. and it always feels like me and them are destined to be around each other. a magnetic force. anyway, it was nice. he's a sweet boy that i could see myself falling for. but it won't go in that direction. we're both a bit fragile. i see a lot of me in him. things i like and things i don't. i'd like us to be friends.

tonight:
the decemberists will sing for me. i mentioned them to J, said i'd make him a copy of hazards of love. i listened to this on my way to uni. so fucking awesome. i was pumped to go and see them. then i did some work (not much), said goodbye to tamara (quick and frantic), had a swim (uphill today), and ate sushi (was okay). so i guess i'm not feeling as excited. what i feel like doing, more than anything, is locking myself away to watch The 400 Blows: