Thursday, March 26, 2009

retreat

i think this is stress. this is not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to engage.

this is wanting to spend a day alone, reading, tidying, contemplating, being.

at uni now, but i'm at my library desk. it's a 'work' day, but i'm considering not going to work. wondering how long it'll be before i get a text message asking if i'm coming in today. feeling under pressure. and so i retreat. to this desk, to this blog.

and everything presents itself as a barrier. last night we lost our electricity. just our building, not the neighbourhood. it's nothing serious, i know this, but i feel that it's another hurdle to deal with. like work, and Paris, and everything.

perhaps my phd supervisor will want to speak to me today, to go over the chapter outline. but i don't want to engage with her either. maybe i'll feel like crying, like on tuesday, when Paris was talking about quantitative research methodologies and i could not comprehend anything. a foreign language that made me feel stupid, made me question why i'm doing this work and whether i'm at all capable. is it only because he wants to fuck me? i feel so stupid.

so i want to concentrate on my phd, where i feel less stupid. i want to put myself back where i'm comfortable. but there's no time.

except maybe there is. maybe i can do some writing now to feel like a student again. to feel somewhat competent and capable. to remind myself that all is okay.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

offline but no time

it's very hot here at my once-a-week faraway uni. my pants are sticking to the backs of my legs. my shoes want to be taken off. as does my t-shirt. i need a beach.

the working day is almost done. one more tutorial. the one that was difficult last week, when people weren't speaking, were looking down. hopefully my chatty students are back.

i lost my monday (my study day) this week, so have felt a bit stressed and scrambled. will i manage to study this week? and it's been a week since i had a swim? what's going on? where are my hours?

the weekend was lost to Newie. but it was a good loss. i spent time with my faraway boyfriend. i stayed, for the first time, in his new temporary home. it's an unusual space to be in, as us. we were both a bit whingey. but we made some special moments too. we watched Shortbus again. we (over)indulged in good food. we said goodbye to Bull St.

yesterday was a bad mood. Paris wanted my attention and cooperation, but he didn't get it. he later said i was shy. not shy, but stressed. and today i'm staying offline so as not to chat with him. i'm tired of him. i'm uncertain. i'm wanting a slice of spare time to work on my thesis. so i'm avoiding the difficult stuff. yet i'm filling my evenings with everything except him.

tonight is my only free night. but it's not, because i plan to hire dvds from the video library i joined on friday. it's $1 weekly dvds night. this makes me a little excited. no talking, no thinking about the difficult stuff, just me before the screen. a replacement screen perhaps, now that the interweb is available at home. but this too is a good loss. i'm liking my newfound inaccessibility. i'm liking my new prioritisation of offline communication.

in today's tute we talked about online chatting as a form of communication (a thing of my past). we spoke of how 'chat' has informed speech. some students admitted to saying ROFL and OMG (as in oh-em-gee) in everyday speech. weird. i guess i am an old man after all.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

quiet office sushi

this sushi is overpriced and tastes like shit.

the office is empty today. everyone is out at an all-day strategic planning meeting. though Paris just messaged me to say he's on the bus heading here. what does this mean?

our conversations are getting more and more explicit. about fantasies and bodies and where they might fit together. but no sex. this week he bought me a book. when i question this he tells me i'm making things complicated. and this pissed me off. things are complicated. if i'm risking my employment and candidature then i think it's a valid concern. so i continue to sway in my affections. it's mostly in his company that my desire swells. but away from him i lose interest. i find myself affected by his presence, even though i know he's playing his seduction cards. but they are nice cards to be dealt.

they charge extra for wasabi. and i didn't get enough soy sauce. they probably charge for that too.

just met with supervisor (VK). got some positive reinforcement that i'm on track, that good advances have been made. i like our meetings. they mostly involve her telling me stories of friends, colleagues, events - all relating to Foucault, power, governmentality, etc. i will miss her next semester. currently feeling inspired to work on my chapter drafts so that she can praise me some more (though i can never be sure of this outcome).

i probably should act like i'm working when Paris arrives. not that he really cares. he joked that i could take forever to do this job and he wouldn't mind. because he likes me around. he likes daily contact. i wonder if his husband suspects anything. we agreed that this is an affair without fucking. lots of sly messaging and touching. it would have gone further of course, but for me being 'complicated'.

but i quite like this space. i feel i'm in quite a powerful situation. i give him enough to keep him wanting. he gives me work. and now it seems he is buying me things. like nouvelles orientales.

he's here now. probably reading my last email. time to work.

Monday, March 16, 2009

simple is best



i've decided to restructure my communication techniques, my time, my relationships. i'm taking myself off facebook, gaydar and other sites where i can meet, message, chat, and waste hours of time. i'm deleting unused email accounts. i'm renegotiating my availability. it's what i've been blabbering about for a long time, but now is crunch time.

it's also about prioritising relationships. i never phone people anymore. the online people tend to get the most of me, because they're easy to manage. they're boxes of text that come and go. they're quick ways to say hey, i still exist and so do you. they're temporary ego devices where people can say nice things without having to look into your eyes.

i want more verbal and physical relations with bodies and gestures. i want more non-digital, uninterrupted conversation. i want more time to study.

my time offline has been a struggle. but one week in and i'm feeling good about it. it's like losing an arm to remember that you have legs. and this weekend i spent a lot of time walking. leaving the house, being social, chatting to new people.

like the boy who was seeing the dj, but also had a boyfriend. he told me how he intends to leave his boyfriend soon, he will relocate, he will find a new home for his dog. he spoke of his job in surry hills. he showed me photos of the dog he will soon give up.

like him, the other boy on the couch had taken acid and had much to say about the nature documentary that was in its 6th screening that night. he liked the part where the bat was dying. he had his sister's 10th birthday to go to in the morning. he was studying some kind of medical science, and moving back to the inner west soon. we kissed on the couch. he was 22. i felt naughty. but he kissed nicely. he showed me photos of his cat.

there were other chats. and there was a lot of annoying stuff too. like my friend who seems to want more than i can give. demanding and potentially lustful. it scares me.

he, like Paris, makes me turn towards mark. after text messages from each of them on this morning's bus ride, i decide that 'simple is best'. a phrase on a badge, a slogan of MonokuRo pig, a personal joke, a sydneybuses epiphany.

ipod shuffle gave me that final song from shortbus. i thought of mark, our conversations about that film, our weeping in verona cinema darkness. 'we all get it in the end...' is followed by patsy cline's crazy. another film, another time, another mark and me moment. i reach my desk, i transfer money for his broken tooth, i go back out for coffee on the grass with Paris.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

dreaming is free

a busy week of work and study and starting my teaching job. no days off.

Paris has been well behaved as promised. late last week there was still touching and flirtation, but this died down to bland professionalism. in an email i read last night he said he hoped i wasn't uncomfortable working with him. i messaged him to say it's fine, that there is no discomfort, that i was tempted by his proposition but concerned about the possible outcome. he couldn't talk because husband was there. it seems husband is unaware after all. today we will meet for lunch.

i don't need this. i'm moving between wanting him and wanting to run away. i'm not interested in a secret affair which looks like it's the only option. other than nothing. so i'm leaning towards nothing.

but alone with him at lunch i don't know if i can trust myself to say and do the 'right' things. and i'm perplexed as to why this has to be difficult. surely it's a simple matter of yes or no.

all is clouded by my slight exhaustion. my yesterday. my today. my not really knowing where i'm at, but craving some sense of order and quiet.

i've been neglecting my own husband this week, being preoccupied with work, Paris, studies. supervisor tells me i should consider going part-time as i'm only studying half time. this isn't the first time she's said so. but i need the money. and all my jobs are temporary.

other supervisor is taking a break next semester so i'll be left with one mum. today i'm reading the last chapter in the history of sexuality, which she keeps talking about. i'm waiting for something to click as to how i can use this, as to how this rumination of power is appropriate to my study. where does it fit? so i'm reading it on this morning's bus to surry hills. the bus arrives late. the driver appears to be in training. a smelly shampoo woman sits in front of me. a stale tobacco man behind me. then someone watching a noisy phone sits across from me. the 20 minute bus trip takes 40 minutes. mark is waiting. i'm always keeping people waiting. and i'm reading foucault, about power and sex and the vectors through which sexuality became anchored to one's life, or one's right to life. and it's relevant. but it's massive. and i'm not sure where it fits. i suspect it's a pre-cursor to my thesis. i'm yet to finish the chapter.

yesterday i was late to dinner with malcolm. kept him waiting. we had a performance to go to at 8.30pm. kept them waiting also. flustered and angry with myself. feeling like a failure. today's lateness adds another layer to these feelings.

maybe i need to disconnect for a while. relationships are difficult. i want to be at home, reading the paper, laughing at the paper with housemates, fixing food and coffee and making big plans that will never eventuate because they would involve leaving the house.

deborah harry says it best: