couldn't really sleep. the worse way to sleep is to worry about not being able to sleep. i urged myself to sleep, to imagine pleasant scenarios, to push away those crowded thoughts of 'what happens now?'. i read barthes but that doesn't work, just adds to the clamour. i watch more of shoot the piano player and that works. my eyes start closing and i push the laptop aside, closing the lid. i shut myself down for the night, which is now morning. so today i'm sleepy, still in bed, watching video clips like this one:
exquisite. but where is my day? i have so few days left. emma said not to worry about 'the last days' and i didn't know what she meant, but now i do.
i thought of people back home. friends, supervisors, men... i wondered what will be different from now on. it felt like i had little control over where things would go and couldn't convince myself otherwise. i also thought of jean-baptiste, and how i need to sleep or tonight could be ruined. for i will be tired, drowsy, ugly. i questioned 'the project' i would propose to him tonight. it seemed stupid and embarrassing and i was no longer convinced that i could do it, that it was of any value.
but that was last night.
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