the break

once again i fall off the blog cart.

at times i get cynical, resentful and suspicious of this blogging practice. particularly in times of change, when i need to withdraw from this leaky, unrehearsed expression of self. and recently there have been changes.

i write now as a 'single' person. 'break-up' seems the wrong term to use for this. we're still friends. it was sad for a day or so, but now it's good. we like being friends. i guess our relationship (which continues despite 'breaking-up') has always been an exercise of transformation. and this is our 'friend' stage. not that this friendship is comparable to most others i enjoy. there's a history and an intimate bond that is as yet unbroken. it's nice. i'm comfortable.

the future feels more uncertain, which i like. i feel more involved in my role as student/researcher. having no need to feed back, touch base, rekindle, or check my performance as boyfriend, i have more time. it's a relief, for now. though i hope there's still opportunity to 'check-in' and see my self from another's perspective, from time to time. there's always a fear of insanity in doing what i'm doing. a caring voice from outside the machine seems necessary.

but for the moment it feels like i'm doing what i need to be doing. i find myself reading Lyotard on narratives, and distinctions between science and knowledge. according to Jean-Francois, knowledge (as know-how, knowing how to live, and knowing how to listen) is much more than science (finding truth statements). so scientific arguments for knowledge (in this case, young people's need for STI knowledge) do not stick. knowledge, as narrative, is about knowing how to get by in the culture/s you exist in.

and what better time to question knowledge than whilst ending a 4 year relationship. there's no evidence that this affair cannot last, and no measurability to this way of being. but there's a knowing of when to let go. a knowledge outside of certainty. a savoir-faire beyond the notion of 'risk'.