planning, fucking, doing

yesterday i packed up my library desk. i brought a large bag of paper home to sort through, and hopefully discard. too much paper. too much weight. one weekend task is to reduce my load, and to clear some space for thinking my next move. i have not yet quit the project that generated all this paper. three years, and on it goes.

meanwhile, i'm thinking about other projects. like the one with jessie where we spent a day in the shopping centre (a contested space). i read over my notes on yesterday's bus and i think there's some nice moments there. we don't have long to assemble something though.

then there's my next zine, in the flesh. written last year, i need to publish it, once again to reduce my load and to create space for new projects. it's quite revealing, but the more i read of sophie calle's work the less i care about my privacy. this morning i read about early works, such as le divorce - a photo of her holding her ex-husband's penis while he pisses (an excuse to touch his penis one last time). and now i'm simmering with ideas for my projet d'amour. jb and i don't communicate as much these days - we always apologise for the gaps between emails, and explain how things are busy. but it's probably time to incite some more dialogue, which i can do by offering him another dedication d'amour.

last night X and i drank wine, ate cheese, and practiced speaking french. we listened to records and talked and during madonna's burning up we made out on the couch. then we moved away from madonna, into the bedroom, where we fucked. it was unexpected, which made it all the more lovely. but it may have complicated things for him. for the second time in 7 days there's awkward moments after sex with a friend i should perhaps not have slept with. but the complications are not mine. i only feel pleasured, and lovely.

for some months i gave much time to thinking about touching and kissing and fucking. i was tense with simultaneously wanting and not wanting. today, and over these last few weeks, i feel expressive. currents of pleasure move through me, and i feel that there's some sort of aura that brings more men into my embrace.

yesterday i found myself advising someone to think of the big picture and plan for the future. perhaps i too could follow this advice. because my difficult (heavy) project is still unresolved. i need to sort that out. yet in other ways i do think beyond tomorrow. such as my ways with the biker, whose birthday it is (he was impressed that i remembered). i want him, but i don't need him. and i only want him when he's ready to want me, which could be a while. so i practice the art of patience and it's easier than i thought it could be. in the meantime, there's much to do.