adelaide

i guess i'm really disappointed. i always knew that you didn't trust people, but now i realise that this extends to me too. and i can't handle that.

i defend your manner to others. i say that you're really a sweet person, you're just a bit abrasive, that's all. and i think of moments when you reveal yourself to me, as lovely, gentle and somewhat fragile, and i take this as evidence that you're one of my people. but are you?

these last few days you've suggested (and shown) that you consider people based on how useful they are to you. you take what you can get, then you walk away. i've seen this in how you interact with your previous friends. when things get too familiar, when you're drawn into that space of sharing yourself with someone, you leave. you find something new.

i guess i shouldn't feel at liberty to criticise you in such ways, as you've pointed out. but isn't that what brothers do? these are things i would like to hear about myself too, even if they are hard to swallow. but they come from a space of love.

you're young, you're scared, you're more fragile than you care to admit. and for such reasons i excuse your cruelty. i've never been a parent before. i would've prefered to be your brother, but it seems you don't want that either. which leaves me at a loss, because i'm not sure we can be friends. in friendship i need more.

i assume you won't read this. if you do, you should know that i write this because i'm trying to process my anger. you should know that my anger is not directed at you but at that difficult space between us.