soundtrack for today:
it plays as i get out of the shower, where i'd been deep in thought, and composing something to write here. the shower is quite a handy thinking space. is it the water? the shedding of clothes and dirt? or being away from a computer, pen, and spaces where words are read, written, and spoken? (ie. everywhere, like today's clouds).
24 hours alone in which to think about myself. and i'm processing conversations that took place in this room, on the internet, and in the past. conversations whose edges blur so that they leak into each other and i can't remember where they happened or the actual words said. so i create a new conversation with myself. it's about how the subject in process (let's say me) depends upon an ongoing separation with others (let's say you). and in doing so, we critique each other constantly. within this critique is a delineation of self, an affirmation of one's self - "i would not do that (or say that / be that / etc.) because i am me. and i like to think that i'm better / wiser / nicer than that. but really, i'm not. because in performing this, and to approve of myself, i need to disapprove of you. and perhaps here i am cruel, judgmental, or uncaring. in such moments i'm performing for an audience of myself (asserting my self). and i'm forgetting that you and other others have a much better vantage point of this performance.
but anyway, i guess it's necessary to critique the other in order to be. though i tell myself (and others) that it's wrong to do this. i don't want to bitch / judge / hate. but i continue, and i go on living, and trying to make sense of my subjective boundaries. but alas, i'm too close to see a clear line of where you and i differ. maybe we don't
oh dear, another post-structural rant. i guess paris might be the place to have them after all.
let go of the wheel, turn your ass over... (girls)
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