shape shifting

whingeing is boring. nobody needs to read that last post. nor do they need to know that i've just waited 30 minutes in a freezing cold bus shelter for the last bus. or how late it was. nor do they want to watch me unfurl my insecurities around ever being able to finish this phd.

it's raining. i'm simmering in a vat of self-doubt, wondering if i'm such a fuck-up that a simple impolite email can bring me undone. and i need to get out. to imagine myself elsewhere. a woman in china in 85 CE, in fact.

i'm one of few women who can read. my mother has put Ban Zhao's Nujie (Lessons for Women) on my bed. It's cold and raining, so i bury myself in blankets and i read...

Let a woman modestly yield to others; let her respect others; let her put others first, herself last. Should she do something good, let her not mention it; should she do something bad let her not deny it. Let her bear disgrace; let her even endure when others speak or do evil to her. Always let her seem to tremble and to fear. When a woman follows such maxims as these then she may be said to humble herself before others.

and so i come to learn the art of humility, silence, servitude, endurance.

the bus driver smiled at me and the other angry passengers. i wanted to smile back at her but couldn't. two seats forward a young straight couple are kissing; repeatedly pecking away at each other. i want to smash them. but i don't. because i'm practicing restraint, humility, submission. i find myself in a quiet place. i meditate on my own faults. silence is my power. not speaking. not judging. not wishing them dead. i look down. i write this essay with a steady hand and a slow, perfect, heartbeat. anger is of no use. consistent politeness and servitude is. silence will take me there. words unspoken need not suffocate me. but restlessness will.

Let her live in purity and quietness of spirit, and attend to her own affairs.

To counteract firmness nothing equals compliance.