pablo and the utterance

tomorrow i'm heading west. six hours on a train. i just did the math and that's 6 hours without coffee! so i bought some choc-coated beans in my travels, between pool and desk. hopefully that will suffice.

i booked the train yesterday and keep forgetting that it's tomorrow. this feels unlike the me of late. i've not been so motivated and tend to pike on most outings. unmotivated and unproductive. and uncertain about continuing my phd. today i saw the uni counselor. it was my first counseling session ever. an event. one i wasn't going to write about here, but umm...

i went for at least 2 reasons. the first was strategic: i wanted to record something of what i'm feeling at the moment in an official way. i feel somewhat harassed and unloved by my 'school', so i wanted to register this. and if my school wants to initiate stuff (like my review panel), then maybe i've got a piece of paper to say 'back the fuck off.' the second reason: i want to stop whining so much to friends and people around me. they've got their own shit to deal with and lately my conversations have been one-sided. not that i won't continue to whine, but it'll be good to try and disburse that whining. and maybe the counselor can help me get through this. i guess that's a third reason, but one imbued with cynicism.

i fill out a survey, i do some reading in the waiting room, and then He comes to get me, shakes my hand, takes me to His chamber.

i was told i have depression. at least that's what my survey results suggested. He did paraphrase it nicely with 'according to your survey you have severe depression.' ouch. really? no way! that's what the survey says anyway, which is what i said. and so here i am in a confessional zone. but i'm still cynical, so it's okay. and i'm not really here, for real, but as a tourist. i've read foucault, i know how it goes, etc. but regardless, those words caused some sort of ripple sensation. conscious of reason #1 for being here, i felt that actually, this is good. 'severe' is good. take that director, supervisor, and panel chair! you've been hammering away at a severely depressed individual. how horrible you must be. no wonder the 'school' is turning to shit. ha! but for other reasons, i wasn't so happy about the utterance.

it was conversational, i was lucid, i talked about my other coping strategies - swimming, writing, though i neglected to mention knitting. we figured out that things are better when i have a routine going. that's when i eat better, sleep better, get more exercise. and i guess i'm more phd-productive too. so this is something to continue. i already knew this, but it was a good reminder. i wasn't given any tasks (i expected tasks), but He did talk about how i need to ask more of my supervisors, requesting what i need from them. i need to ask for positive feedback. He said that most supervisors aren't good at this, but since they're getting 'buckets of money' we students need to make sure we get what we need. i liked the image of SV getting handed buckets of money. i like the thought of getting what i need.

He thinks we should meet again. so do i. He gave me things to read. He said they might be of use, that there's probably one sentence in there that's useful. i like His approach - He either senses my cynicism or shares it.

so that was it. we shall meet again and talk some more in a few weeks time. He will sit before me and write more things behind his manilla folder. and i'll wish that He was my supervisor.

my swim was good. i lost count on my second or third lap. i tried to make myself not count laps (this should be about enjoyment), but i did. i pushed myself hard, early. it was great and severe, just like my depression. why do things in halves?

and i write everything but a thesis. but that's okay. maybe now i have an excuse. or a lever with which to ease my guilt.