A quote to ponder. Or rather, a quote that I like and currently ponder.
A typewriter, some paper, and a little leisure: this little world would, for example, circumscribe the site in which art can be born. But housing, clothing, housework, cooking, and an infinite number of rural, urban, family, or amical activities, the multiple forms of professional work, are also the ground on which creation everywhere blossoms. Daily life is scattered with marvels, a froth on the long rhythms of language and history that is as dazzling as that of writers and artists. Lacking proper names, all kinds of language give birth to these ephemeral celebrations that surge up, disappear, and return.
Michel de Certeau, Culture in the Plural, p142
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
melancholic, tired, uncertain
this morning i tidied my room. i turned over the mattress, changed the sheets, put away clothes, swept the floor, re-arranged a few things. it didn't make me feel much better.
friday fatigue has taken hold. i'm down on myself for not getting enough sleep, not taking care of myself, not being organised, not managing my time more efficiently. i forever chase my own tail.
i yearn for distraction. polish guy said he'd call today, so i wait for my phone to vibrate. and i try to resist seeking happiness through him or any other. i've been wondering what paris is doing today. tempted to message him, despite my concerns. but i can't really reign in these curious thoughts. i think i just want to feel like the centre of someone's world. even for just an hour or so, to tide me over.
sarah blasko's xanadu is on high rotation these past few days. seems to capture something in how i'm feeling. a bit lost. a bit hopeful.
last night i saw cheri. not a great film, but a great story. i'm sure i'd get more from the books. lea is quite an amazing character. she seems the perfect role model for me right now. a person who accepts and deals with the economies of love, passion, ageing. at the centre of her story (and her affair) is her resilience, her inability to ever slide into the role of victim, despite her losses. rather, she buys herself an emerald ring. she asks "is there anything in the world more wonderful than a bed all to yourself?"
on this point my cinema buddy agrees. but i cannot. i obviously have some way to go before finding my inner courtesan.
friday fatigue has taken hold. i'm down on myself for not getting enough sleep, not taking care of myself, not being organised, not managing my time more efficiently. i forever chase my own tail.
i yearn for distraction. polish guy said he'd call today, so i wait for my phone to vibrate. and i try to resist seeking happiness through him or any other. i've been wondering what paris is doing today. tempted to message him, despite my concerns. but i can't really reign in these curious thoughts. i think i just want to feel like the centre of someone's world. even for just an hour or so, to tide me over.
sarah blasko's xanadu is on high rotation these past few days. seems to capture something in how i'm feeling. a bit lost. a bit hopeful.
last night i saw cheri. not a great film, but a great story. i'm sure i'd get more from the books. lea is quite an amazing character. she seems the perfect role model for me right now. a person who accepts and deals with the economies of love, passion, ageing. at the centre of her story (and her affair) is her resilience, her inability to ever slide into the role of victim, despite her losses. rather, she buys herself an emerald ring. she asks "is there anything in the world more wonderful than a bed all to yourself?"
on this point my cinema buddy agrees. but i cannot. i obviously have some way to go before finding my inner courtesan.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
coffee break
between the lecture and the tutorial i post a birthday present to my niece, i make coffee, i eat cake, i check email, i read over the latest media sex scandal. i arrange my books and papers in a nice pile to take to the tute (because i know it will be 5 before i know it).
i spent almost a week in melbourne, returned yesterday, adjusting now to my 'real' life of home and study and teaching. melbourne's winter air cleared my head nicely. as did the pleasant food, conversation, and fun times. and the movies.
i was thinking of writing something about my newfound reluctance to date men. i still haven't been on that date (he got sick, then i went away) and was uncertain about contacting him right away. but just now my phone vibrates and i dash off to the soundproof room.
it's the polish man i gave my number to before i went away. he wants to meet up, 'take a walk' or have coffee/lunch. i now have a sunday afternoon commitment. i should stop giving my number to strange men. though who knows, it could be fun.
it's already 10 to 5. time to face students and pretend to be a competent tutor.
i spent almost a week in melbourne, returned yesterday, adjusting now to my 'real' life of home and study and teaching. melbourne's winter air cleared my head nicely. as did the pleasant food, conversation, and fun times. and the movies.
i was thinking of writing something about my newfound reluctance to date men. i still haven't been on that date (he got sick, then i went away) and was uncertain about contacting him right away. but just now my phone vibrates and i dash off to the soundproof room.
it's the polish man i gave my number to before i went away. he wants to meet up, 'take a walk' or have coffee/lunch. i now have a sunday afternoon commitment. i should stop giving my number to strange men. though who knows, it could be fun.
it's already 10 to 5. time to face students and pretend to be a competent tutor.
Friday, July 10, 2009
"my pillow is the cash register"
... is a comment i overheard today, walking from the library to the pool. i don't understand, but immediately i thought of sex. maybe because i spend my days writing about sex. and because i'm not having any.
yesterday i took a day off. i cooked and cleaned and listened to music loudly. it was nice. i'm starting to appreciate my need to slow down, take care, adjust to these recent changes.
i've been a bit of a recluse but i think that's okay. i made some attempts to see friends this week, though most people were busy. everything seemed to become a tentative plan for next week. i'm not sure i'll fit everything in.
jessie returns next week. jess comes up from melbourne to stay. one of my supervisors returns and wants to meet. oh, and i have a date. i'm not sure why i did that, but i guess i'm just testing the water or something. i partially blame winter loneliness. a stupid time of the year to break up (though i've done this twice now).
did a bit of thesis writing today and not feeling too lost in it all, after my day of respite. so will head home shortly with my books and papers and grand plans to make more words.
yesterday i took a day off. i cooked and cleaned and listened to music loudly. it was nice. i'm starting to appreciate my need to slow down, take care, adjust to these recent changes.
i've been a bit of a recluse but i think that's okay. i made some attempts to see friends this week, though most people were busy. everything seemed to become a tentative plan for next week. i'm not sure i'll fit everything in.
jessie returns next week. jess comes up from melbourne to stay. one of my supervisors returns and wants to meet. oh, and i have a date. i'm not sure why i did that, but i guess i'm just testing the water or something. i partially blame winter loneliness. a stupid time of the year to break up (though i've done this twice now).
did a bit of thesis writing today and not feeling too lost in it all, after my day of respite. so will head home shortly with my books and papers and grand plans to make more words.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
the break
once again i fall off the blog cart.
at times i get cynical, resentful and suspicious of this blogging practice. particularly in times of change, when i need to withdraw from this leaky, unrehearsed expression of self. and recently there have been changes.
i write now as a 'single' person. 'break-up' seems the wrong term to use for this. we're still friends. it was sad for a day or so, but now it's good. we like being friends. i guess our relationship (which continues despite 'breaking-up') has always been an exercise of transformation. and this is our 'friend' stage. not that this friendship is comparable to most others i enjoy. there's a history and an intimate bond that is as yet unbroken. it's nice. i'm comfortable.
the future feels more uncertain, which i like. i feel more involved in my role as student/researcher. having no need to feed back, touch base, rekindle, or check my performance as boyfriend, i have more time. it's a relief, for now. though i hope there's still opportunity to 'check-in' and see my self from another's perspective, from time to time. there's always a fear of insanity in doing what i'm doing. a caring voice from outside the machine seems necessary.
but for the moment it feels like i'm doing what i need to be doing. i find myself reading Lyotard on narratives, and distinctions between science and knowledge. according to Jean-Francois, knowledge (as know-how, knowing how to live, and knowing how to listen) is much more than science (finding truth statements). so scientific arguments for knowledge (in this case, young people's need for STI knowledge) do not stick. knowledge, as narrative, is about knowing how to get by in the culture/s you exist in.
and what better time to question knowledge than whilst ending a 4 year relationship. there's no evidence that this affair cannot last, and no measurability to this way of being. but there's a knowing of when to let go. a knowledge outside of certainty. a savoir-faire beyond the notion of 'risk'.
at times i get cynical, resentful and suspicious of this blogging practice. particularly in times of change, when i need to withdraw from this leaky, unrehearsed expression of self. and recently there have been changes.
i write now as a 'single' person. 'break-up' seems the wrong term to use for this. we're still friends. it was sad for a day or so, but now it's good. we like being friends. i guess our relationship (which continues despite 'breaking-up') has always been an exercise of transformation. and this is our 'friend' stage. not that this friendship is comparable to most others i enjoy. there's a history and an intimate bond that is as yet unbroken. it's nice. i'm comfortable.
the future feels more uncertain, which i like. i feel more involved in my role as student/researcher. having no need to feed back, touch base, rekindle, or check my performance as boyfriend, i have more time. it's a relief, for now. though i hope there's still opportunity to 'check-in' and see my self from another's perspective, from time to time. there's always a fear of insanity in doing what i'm doing. a caring voice from outside the machine seems necessary.
but for the moment it feels like i'm doing what i need to be doing. i find myself reading Lyotard on narratives, and distinctions between science and knowledge. according to Jean-Francois, knowledge (as know-how, knowing how to live, and knowing how to listen) is much more than science (finding truth statements). so scientific arguments for knowledge (in this case, young people's need for STI knowledge) do not stick. knowledge, as narrative, is about knowing how to get by in the culture/s you exist in.
and what better time to question knowledge than whilst ending a 4 year relationship. there's no evidence that this affair cannot last, and no measurability to this way of being. but there's a knowing of when to let go. a knowledge outside of certainty. a savoir-faire beyond the notion of 'risk'.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
shuffling through the drift of swine
another late-starter. breakfast and a few house chores and then i pack my bags, put my list in my left front pocket, press play to the yeah yeah yeahs, and leave the house.
first stop: the bread shop. a stick of sourdough for my lunch. they always ask me if i like their sourdough. it tires me. always so desperate for feedback. why? the more i contemplate it, the more it worries me. yes, i like your fucking bread and that's why i buy it. but really it's because you're the only bread shop around and that's your least offensive loaf. of course, i do not say this.
next stop: the book shop. looking for birthday presents. one for my mum, whose birthday was last week. i'm so slack. i end up getting a cd and dvd instead. lots of indecision. what does mum like?
then it's a take-away coffee from the black star bakery. as usual the barista is cute and the coffee is good.
then it's a bus to the city, where i have to exchange some syd film fest tickets. the queue is not long, but the wait is. i'm guessing everyone was selecting their entire flexi-pass tickets then and there, as they flipped through the program, taking up to 10 minutes at the ticket booth. frustrating. people queuing were on edge. staff were fixing lights and displays. it's busy, there's a lot of commotion, it's getting late, where has my day gone?
another bus trip to uni. recently on buses i can't help thinking about 'swine flu'. i get emails from my uni about it, there's posters everywhere, its the hot topic. i'm sharing many buses, buildings, streets, swimming pools, and trains with people. but i can't really care. i'm more offended by the warnings and fear-mongering than i would be if someone sneezed in my face. here is an excerpt from an email sent to all staff and students:
If you:
Have a fever, nasal congestion, runny nose, sore throat or cough;
Please stay at home and away from UNSW.
so harsh. "stay away from us you diseased fucking scum!" then it goes into more detail about the flu that's gonna wipe us all out.
The swine flu virus is spread by sneeze or cough droplets and the breath of
someone infected. Droplets can land directly on a person, and on surfaces such as
hands, pens, or money. They can survive on these surfaces and then be transferred
by hands to someone else.
You can decrease the spread of influenza in the community and workplace by
1 Hand washing for 10 seconds with soap and water or with an alcohol based cleaner until dry
2. Covering your cough or sneeze with a tissue and then putting it in the bin.
3. Avoid touching your face, eyes or nose unless you have just cleaned your hands.
4. Avoid contact with sick people.
5. Getting the seasonal flu vaccine. This vaccine does not prevent swine flu, but
preventing the season flu will decrease illness, anxiety and disruption in society.
my former colleagues in health promotion (disease preparedness) will be creaming themselves over this potential pandemic. they're probably manning those stupid hotlines.
incidentally, the hotline is 1802007, in case you've walked into a sneeze today. it really should be something that translates into a word. something like 794639 (as in swiney). i suspect the hotline was created in 2007 though, the year of the pandemic that never arrived.
i find point 5 very contentious though. does getting a flu shot really decrease anxiety and disruption in society? probably not as much as telling people that every time they handle pens or cash they are risking their lives.
anyway, enough ranting. lunch time is truly over. time to write something academic.
first stop: the bread shop. a stick of sourdough for my lunch. they always ask me if i like their sourdough. it tires me. always so desperate for feedback. why? the more i contemplate it, the more it worries me. yes, i like your fucking bread and that's why i buy it. but really it's because you're the only bread shop around and that's your least offensive loaf. of course, i do not say this.
next stop: the book shop. looking for birthday presents. one for my mum, whose birthday was last week. i'm so slack. i end up getting a cd and dvd instead. lots of indecision. what does mum like?
then it's a take-away coffee from the black star bakery. as usual the barista is cute and the coffee is good.
then it's a bus to the city, where i have to exchange some syd film fest tickets. the queue is not long, but the wait is. i'm guessing everyone was selecting their entire flexi-pass tickets then and there, as they flipped through the program, taking up to 10 minutes at the ticket booth. frustrating. people queuing were on edge. staff were fixing lights and displays. it's busy, there's a lot of commotion, it's getting late, where has my day gone?
another bus trip to uni. recently on buses i can't help thinking about 'swine flu'. i get emails from my uni about it, there's posters everywhere, its the hot topic. i'm sharing many buses, buildings, streets, swimming pools, and trains with people. but i can't really care. i'm more offended by the warnings and fear-mongering than i would be if someone sneezed in my face. here is an excerpt from an email sent to all staff and students:
If you:
Have a fever, nasal congestion, runny nose, sore throat or cough;
Please stay at home and away from UNSW.
so harsh. "stay away from us you diseased fucking scum!" then it goes into more detail about the flu that's gonna wipe us all out.
The swine flu virus is spread by sneeze or cough droplets and the breath of
someone infected. Droplets can land directly on a person, and on surfaces such as
hands, pens, or money. They can survive on these surfaces and then be transferred
by hands to someone else.
You can decrease the spread of influenza in the community and workplace by
1 Hand washing for 10 seconds with soap and water or with an alcohol based cleaner until dry
2. Covering your cough or sneeze with a tissue and then putting it in the bin.
3. Avoid touching your face, eyes or nose unless you have just cleaned your hands.
4. Avoid contact with sick people.
5. Getting the seasonal flu vaccine. This vaccine does not prevent swine flu, but
preventing the season flu will decrease illness, anxiety and disruption in society.
my former colleagues in health promotion (disease preparedness) will be creaming themselves over this potential pandemic. they're probably manning those stupid hotlines.
incidentally, the hotline is 1802007, in case you've walked into a sneeze today. it really should be something that translates into a word. something like 794639 (as in swiney). i suspect the hotline was created in 2007 though, the year of the pandemic that never arrived.
i find point 5 very contentious though. does getting a flu shot really decrease anxiety and disruption in society? probably not as much as telling people that every time they handle pens or cash they are risking their lives.
anyway, enough ranting. lunch time is truly over. time to write something academic.
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