Monday, April 23, 2012

resonance

i said my goodbyes, walked through the rain, returned to this room. it's quiet. i miss it already, my favourite conference. the radio is turned on to lessen the quiet. radio 2 is playing bowie and i crunch on wasabi peas.

i have much to say: on sex, research, and sex research. too much, so i'll just see where this goes...

in last night's keynote, Katrien Jacobs spoke about the importance of writing one's own pleasure into one's research on pleasure. indeed, the merging of artist and researcher affords a more complex discussion that doesn't have to dissolve the author's body. and the author's body was appearing all through this conference. whilst i took issue with a paper on arabic-themed gay porn, i loved when the presenter paused to admire and envy the power-bottom skills of François Sagat. in her talk today, Susanna Paasonen spoke of 'somatic archives', and argued that studies of affect can only ever begin with your own experiences. she spoke about resonance and made me finally see the merit of studying affect.

i made new friends.

i imagined there'd be lovely queer men here and i was right. i found myself in many conversations with them. lovely yet awkward conversations. i noticed that we'd congregate often, the younger (myself on the cusp) queer male sect. we sniffed each other out like vampires. we'd share the same meal table. we'd talk about our research and it seemed flirtatious. or maybe i just don't know how to read this. but i catch and distribute glances. we're open to each other. we're open to each others' ideas. and that offers more erotic charge than a cute smile. yet there are cute smiles too. we bond over bad food and being stranded on a faraway campus in the middle of... somewhere.

tonight i'm having dinner with e, the only other remaining sect member. we didn't get to talk much, but he seems lovely. we were awkward. i might see e2 in london tomorrow, though he wasn't my favourite. but maybe it'll be nice to explore parts of the city with a follow stranger. in paris i'll see f and b.

i just met f last night. here there were electric currents. i liked the way he smiled this morning when we caught each other's eye. i like the way he speaks. he researches porn, and watches the favourite porn of his research participants, recording his reaction. he inserts himself into his research and into the pleasures of others. he invited me to his fan culture conference this week, but it's the day i leave paris. of course i want him.

but i'm good. and i'm thinking about the man back home. and i'm thinking about myself. and i'm thinking that a look can hold more power than an orgasm. because a look remains open. that smile stays with me.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

breakfast in bed

people in england talk funny. it's funny being in a strange place and being able to understand the locals (for the most part). sometimes it feels like i'm in france, but this is probably just because that's my reference point for traveling. but this is england. and it's a strange place. not in a bad way.

yesterday i gave a paper and afterwards a man who spoke like ian curtis gave me his business card.

i think about Little Britain more than i wish too. i'm on the outskirts of london and i'm noticing class more than i would in sydney. maybe i need to visit the outskirts of sydney someday.

i'm still not sleeping. last night was 5 hours, the night before 4, and 5 before that. before that i was on planes so i got 0 hours. last night at dinner i heard myself babbling and i wondered if i was making sense. i needed to sleep. i also needed not to wake up at 4.30. and today is a full day of presentations to watch.

i'm eating chocolate for breakfast. with no sense of time, no ability to sleep, ongoing disorientation, and being upside down in the world, i figure that's okay.