between the lecture and the tutorial i post a birthday present to my niece, i make coffee, i eat cake, i check email, i read over the latest media sex scandal. i arrange my books and papers in a nice pile to take to the tute (because i know it will be 5 before i know it).
i spent almost a week in melbourne, returned yesterday, adjusting now to my 'real' life of home and study and teaching. melbourne's winter air cleared my head nicely. as did the pleasant food, conversation, and fun times. and the movies.
i was thinking of writing something about my newfound reluctance to date men. i still haven't been on that date (he got sick, then i went away) and was uncertain about contacting him right away. but just now my phone vibrates and i dash off to the soundproof room.
it's the polish man i gave my number to before i went away. he wants to meet up, 'take a walk' or have coffee/lunch. i now have a sunday afternoon commitment. i should stop giving my number to strange men. though who knows, it could be fun.
it's already 10 to 5. time to face students and pretend to be a competent tutor.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
"my pillow is the cash register"
... is a comment i overheard today, walking from the library to the pool. i don't understand, but immediately i thought of sex. maybe because i spend my days writing about sex. and because i'm not having any.
yesterday i took a day off. i cooked and cleaned and listened to music loudly. it was nice. i'm starting to appreciate my need to slow down, take care, adjust to these recent changes.
i've been a bit of a recluse but i think that's okay. i made some attempts to see friends this week, though most people were busy. everything seemed to become a tentative plan for next week. i'm not sure i'll fit everything in.
jessie returns next week. jess comes up from melbourne to stay. one of my supervisors returns and wants to meet. oh, and i have a date. i'm not sure why i did that, but i guess i'm just testing the water or something. i partially blame winter loneliness. a stupid time of the year to break up (though i've done this twice now).
did a bit of thesis writing today and not feeling too lost in it all, after my day of respite. so will head home shortly with my books and papers and grand plans to make more words.
yesterday i took a day off. i cooked and cleaned and listened to music loudly. it was nice. i'm starting to appreciate my need to slow down, take care, adjust to these recent changes.
i've been a bit of a recluse but i think that's okay. i made some attempts to see friends this week, though most people were busy. everything seemed to become a tentative plan for next week. i'm not sure i'll fit everything in.
jessie returns next week. jess comes up from melbourne to stay. one of my supervisors returns and wants to meet. oh, and i have a date. i'm not sure why i did that, but i guess i'm just testing the water or something. i partially blame winter loneliness. a stupid time of the year to break up (though i've done this twice now).
did a bit of thesis writing today and not feeling too lost in it all, after my day of respite. so will head home shortly with my books and papers and grand plans to make more words.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
the break
once again i fall off the blog cart.
at times i get cynical, resentful and suspicious of this blogging practice. particularly in times of change, when i need to withdraw from this leaky, unrehearsed expression of self. and recently there have been changes.
i write now as a 'single' person. 'break-up' seems the wrong term to use for this. we're still friends. it was sad for a day or so, but now it's good. we like being friends. i guess our relationship (which continues despite 'breaking-up') has always been an exercise of transformation. and this is our 'friend' stage. not that this friendship is comparable to most others i enjoy. there's a history and an intimate bond that is as yet unbroken. it's nice. i'm comfortable.
the future feels more uncertain, which i like. i feel more involved in my role as student/researcher. having no need to feed back, touch base, rekindle, or check my performance as boyfriend, i have more time. it's a relief, for now. though i hope there's still opportunity to 'check-in' and see my self from another's perspective, from time to time. there's always a fear of insanity in doing what i'm doing. a caring voice from outside the machine seems necessary.
but for the moment it feels like i'm doing what i need to be doing. i find myself reading Lyotard on narratives, and distinctions between science and knowledge. according to Jean-Francois, knowledge (as know-how, knowing how to live, and knowing how to listen) is much more than science (finding truth statements). so scientific arguments for knowledge (in this case, young people's need for STI knowledge) do not stick. knowledge, as narrative, is about knowing how to get by in the culture/s you exist in.
and what better time to question knowledge than whilst ending a 4 year relationship. there's no evidence that this affair cannot last, and no measurability to this way of being. but there's a knowing of when to let go. a knowledge outside of certainty. a savoir-faire beyond the notion of 'risk'.
at times i get cynical, resentful and suspicious of this blogging practice. particularly in times of change, when i need to withdraw from this leaky, unrehearsed expression of self. and recently there have been changes.
i write now as a 'single' person. 'break-up' seems the wrong term to use for this. we're still friends. it was sad for a day or so, but now it's good. we like being friends. i guess our relationship (which continues despite 'breaking-up') has always been an exercise of transformation. and this is our 'friend' stage. not that this friendship is comparable to most others i enjoy. there's a history and an intimate bond that is as yet unbroken. it's nice. i'm comfortable.
the future feels more uncertain, which i like. i feel more involved in my role as student/researcher. having no need to feed back, touch base, rekindle, or check my performance as boyfriend, i have more time. it's a relief, for now. though i hope there's still opportunity to 'check-in' and see my self from another's perspective, from time to time. there's always a fear of insanity in doing what i'm doing. a caring voice from outside the machine seems necessary.
but for the moment it feels like i'm doing what i need to be doing. i find myself reading Lyotard on narratives, and distinctions between science and knowledge. according to Jean-Francois, knowledge (as know-how, knowing how to live, and knowing how to listen) is much more than science (finding truth statements). so scientific arguments for knowledge (in this case, young people's need for STI knowledge) do not stick. knowledge, as narrative, is about knowing how to get by in the culture/s you exist in.
and what better time to question knowledge than whilst ending a 4 year relationship. there's no evidence that this affair cannot last, and no measurability to this way of being. but there's a knowing of when to let go. a knowledge outside of certainty. a savoir-faire beyond the notion of 'risk'.
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